Hey Beautiful! A little behind the scenes on my newsletter process is that topic ideas usually come to me while I’m doing mundane activities to get ready in the morning, like brushing my teeth. Over the weekend, I started reflecting on self love and why so many people struggle with that concept. Some people are even triggered by the topic. And what I learned from my work on Colorism Healing, is that a topic that triggers people is a topic that needs compassionate unpacking.

So this week, I’m highlighting 7 unfortunate misconceptions about self love that often close people off to the mere idea of it. That’s unfortunate because self love is just love, and it’s such a beautiful energy to experience!

I completely understand why and how these misconceptions have spread across the collective, so I’m not sharing these to complain. I’m sharing them to empower any of you who may be denying yourself this precious gift because of skewed narratives or reductive social constructs.

Self love is not opposite to romantic love. People sometimes focus on self-love in response to the end of a romantic partnership, or they say things like: “I’m going to be single for awhile and just focus on loving myself.” But everyone in any kind of relationship status is enriched by self love. And the relationship itself is enriched when all parties exercise healthy self love. To insinuate that you only focus on self love when you’re single is like saying you only focus on your career when you’re unemployed. Love is just love, and we humans with our binary systems, hierarchies, and classifications have parsed out types of love and placed one on a pedestal while devaluing all others. But love is just love, no matter the adjective placed in front of it.

Some people talk about self love as something you either have or don’t have—you either have all the self love you need or you have none at all. I believe that everyone has some self love and everyone has the potential to increase their capacity to experience even more. Self love is not an in-or-out scenario. I see it more like a spectrum or a sliding scale.

Related to the idea of a sliding scale is the reality that self love is not something we achieve once and then never have to think about ever again. Depending on the day, our self love meter might be lower than usual or higher than usual or about the same as usual for us. I love using the analogy that we don’t brush our teeth once in your life and have good oral hygiene indefinitely. Our spiritual, emotional, psychological wellbeing require regular attention, care, and hygiene just like our physical bodies do!

This is a big struggle for many. People often instruct you to, “Just love yourself. You just have to love yourself,” as though there’s nothing to overcome. For some people it might be that easy. Yet for most people, our life experiences have disconnected us from ourselves, shrouded our natural self love under the muck of shame, judgement, control, or dogma. Re-accessing our natural self love oftentimes calls for us to heal through some of that muck. And healing is typically not simple and easy. Knowing the destination is not the same as taking the journey to get there.

Some folks have erroneously labeled ego and arrogance as self love, which has hurt self love’s reputation. True self love does not rely on comparison or contrast. True self love does not rely on hierarchy to validate itself. True self love does not obscure or deny the beauty and love of others.

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Women in particular are socialized to be selfless and to put our needs dead last every single time. If we have the audacity to love ourselves enough to practice healthy boundaries and self care, if we dare to fill our own cups first, people accuse us of being selfish. This accusation is to manipulate us into allowing ourselves to be exploited or drained of our resources and our life force for the sole benefit of others at our expense. Be suspicious of anyone who makes your self love seem like a bad thing.

Perhaps the most unfortunate distortion of self love is when people try to use it as a way to shame others they perceive as not having any. It’s like people who appear to have self love get to stand on the winners’ podium while others who didn’t achieve some arbitrary threshold or arbitrary performance of self love are judged or scorned for not living up to the standard. And very often we are the ones judging ourselves against people we perceive as having more self love than us. It can show up as envy or jealousy too. If someone is struggling with a diminished capacity for self love or if they’re struggling in a process of expanding their experience of self love, the only response is to meet them with… love. Whether it’s ourselves or others, we can choose to bear loving witness to our varied processes.

Self love is just love, so why reject it? I think it’s a double standard to expect others to love us when we aren’t even open to loving us. My hope is that unpacking or maybe reconsidering the concept of self love will inspire you to open your heart more to yourself.

Join us for Soul Café LIVE on December 20th, to soak up the energetic overflow of December solstice. Harmonize your personal rhythms with this planetary wave and amplify your one-of-a-kind frequency! Free admission for all email subscribers!

I’ll be sharing perspectives for 2026 based on astrology, numerology, and tarot and oracle cards. Give yourself extra space to ease into the new year with greater alignment and clarity!

To help me get a headcount, please choose an RSVP option below:

Sincerely,